What Is Love?
by Dubious Dane
Summary: Gene tries to figure out exactly what it is that he feels for Fred... and what the hell he's going to do about it. Meanwhile, Fred does a little musing himself. SHOUNEN AI and LANGUAGE Left up for the same reason as Pool Party.
1. Do I love him?

Author's Notes- Well, one request is enough. Considering the number of reviews I got, I'd say that's a pretty persuasive vote right there. Yeeep… anyways, here it is. The prologue (kinda-sorta) to my loverly FredxGene fic… Aren't you just thrilled?

Yami- Oh yes. Absolutely ecstatic.

You know, I thought pharaohs were supposed to be above petty jealousy.

Yami- *scowls*

Heh. Anyways, I'll be writing this one in first-person, I haven't done that in a while… Gene's point of view, in case you needed the hint. 

Yami- It's not that you don't write YxY stories, it's just that you HAVEN'T in SO LONG…

Shush you.

Disclaimer- No, don't own Outlaw Star. Definitely not. If I did, Fred would have a much bigger part, and any competition that might get in the way of him and Gene hooking up would be tragically killed in a space fight. *innocent whistling*

Warning- Shonen-ai, FredxGene. Nothing too bad in this story, considering it's just basically musings. Until Gene understands himself more fully, nothing all that great. Go read 'Pool Party' for that, eh?

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You ever been so fucking confused that you don't know if you're the same person anymore? Well, if you haven't, just ask me about it. I could probably give you an hour-long speech on it. Heck, give me a few hours. A day maybe. Or, you know, just stop me when you get bored. 

Why am I confused? Well, I don't know myself. Fuck. I'm so screwed up. 

All right, I'll try and explain things. Try. I'll make a real effort, I swear I will. It started… when did it start? I don't even know that for sure. I know it was one of those times I had to visit Fred for parts… one of the numerous times. It must have been a while ago, because I swear, I can't remember NOT being this confused. Hell. It could have been yesterday and I wouldn't know. 

Fred Luo. He's the man that's causing all this. Why? I'll be damned if I know. Yea, I'll try and get back on topic…

I was visiting for parts. I know I'd always been a bit uncomfortable around Fred… he is always flirting with me. See, that's where the confusion comes in. I don't mind it anymore. I used to whip a gun out if he got close, and now… fuck. 

Ok, I'll really make an effort to stay on topic here. If I keep skipping around with random feelings like that, I'll never get this explained. Fine. So, I was visiting Fred for parts… I think, I think it was a few months ago, at least, but no more than a year. We were talking, like we always do: me sheepishly admitting I needed money, him asking when I'd pay him back.

Of course, that situation resolved itself the same way it always did. I ended up getting the money because Fred really didn't want to turn me down. But see, that's where it started. I felt bad about using Fred's feelings like that. I began to wrap my mind around the fact that he loved me. He still loves me, I think. He's always flirting… I finally managed to put it together and believe it.

That wasn't the shocking thing. The shocking thing was that I didn't mind. I didn't freak. It was fine. Fred loved me. Right. Moving along.

I didn't stop to think about it then. Of course I didn't. It wasn't something I'd even consider trying to return, now was it? Funny. It wasn't something I thought I'd return. Those thoughts are long gone right about now. I think they ran out around the next time I went to visit Fred…

I had to go in alone that time. Jim insisted that he was busy elsewhere, and Suzuka took Melfina shopping. Or rather, Melfina suggested it because she was afraid harsh feelings might exist between the assassin and her previous target. Melfina really is considerate. I think… No, I thought I was in love with her at one point, but really, I don't know what love is. 

What is love? I don't know. 

Right, the next time I visited Fred. Of course, he greeted me with his usual hug. It used to bug me. Then though… I found myself not minding. Not minding at all. Before he pulled away, I was amazed to find that my arms weren't hanging limply by my sides; rather, they were slowly moving along a path that would eventually lead them to returning the hug, however slightly. 

That scared me. 

I looked at Fred that visit, actually looked at him from a perspective other than a friend. You know what I found out? Fred is a really attractive man. That thought in itself would have scared the crap out of a me before that point, but somehow it didn't seem wrong to think of him that way. Fred was really beautiful to me. Mind you, when I stopped to think about this after I'd left, it DID manage to scare the crap out of me. 

You know, to some extent... I'm not sure if I'm over that fear right now. 

It's so strange… to have something you thought you knew perfectly well turned upside-down and inside-out, flipping your whole world around, somehow making anything and everything seem so much different than what it was previously. Not to mention that it somehow managed to turn you into a philosopher… fucking hell. 

And that just brings up a new subject. I'm questioning my fucking sexuality. Something I KNEW was definite. I KNEW it, like I knew my name. I like women, right? Ha. I thought it was that simple. Thoughts… they can be incredibly deceiving. Especially when you KNOW they're true. 

Ok, let's think about this rationally. How in the whole scheme of things could I possibly be in love with Fred? … No, don't answer that. I just talked myself into a damned corner. Fuck. 

All right. Fred Luo. He loves me, everyone knows that. Even I know that. Right. I can accept that, it's perfectly fine. But… what about vice-versa? Gene Starwind, the might outlaw… he's not gay. Is he? Is it bad that even I can't answer that question? Maybe I should try and get more sleep.

Ah, sleep. That's ANOTHER thing. Is it bad that Fred now inhabits each and every one of my dreams? Is it worse that they're all incredibly GOOD dreams? Holy shit. Most of them are romantic dreams. About me and Fred. Together. And I regret waking up from them.

Jesus fucking Christ. 

I'm so screwed up right now… I need to talk to someone. Someone, anyone. But there's no one to talk to… No one who would understand, and definitely no one who wouldn't laugh at me. Why do things have to work out this way? Crap. Love is a bitch.

But again… What is love? Is that what this is? Is love feeling empty when the object of your affections isn't around? Is love not minding their constant flirting, and even coming to enjoy it? Is love… what I feel for Fred? Is it? Fuck it all, I don't know. 

I've never felt real love for someone else before, how the fuck am I supposed to know?! I have nothing to base this on! All I know is that I'm supposed to like women, and Fred does not fall into that category. Fred…

My God, I can't even think straight anymore. Fred is… Fred is just Fred. I can't describe him, no words seem to fit right. He's…. unique. Definitely beautiful. Unfortunately, it's that last one that's giving me the problems. 

Love. I just don't know. Maybe that's it… love. I… love Fred? I love Fred. It… fits, somehow. I can say it without doubt. Funny, really. 

Everyone knows Fred Luo loves Gene Starwind. But what happens when they find out that the feeling is mutual…?

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Author's Notes- Gah, I know that this was insanely short. I just went against my minimum of 3,000 words, but hey. It's hard to write a lot when your in 1st person, eh? Ok, ok, I take that back. But I just ran out of things to rant about, ok? I was already getting out of character with this thing, man. I'm no Gene Starwind, I'll tell ya that much. 

Die- You're no Kyo either, but you named your Animal Crossing character after him.

Of course I'm Kyo! I'm incredibly Kyo-ish! I'm a psychotic ball of hyper-energy who's also a vocalist, how much more… Wait, how the hell did YOU get here?!

Die- *shrugs* You're listening to Dir En Grey, it seemed fitting.

But I'm not supposed to have REAL PEOPLE in my author's notes! *clutches her head in her hands*

Die- Why not?

Because what if, by some wild, million-to-one chance, the REAL Die pops in for a read and decides to sue me?!

Die-…. *waves* Hi me! ^_^

-_- Gah… ANYWAYS… since this was so short, I was thinking about writing another chapter… Well, not another chapter per se, but kinda the same motif, except from Fred's point of view. Whatcha think? And PLEASE, if you liked this, go read Pool Party. It's kinda the sequel anyway… But really, my poor Outlaw Star stories have soooo few reviews, it's quite sad… *sniff*

Die- *pokes* Write a Dir En Grey story!

Can't. FF.net won't allow band fics anymore.

Die- Then post it somewhere else!

Gah, I can't write a Dir En Grey fic! I don't know enough about the band to do that! @_@ Besides, if I DID write one, I'd end up making you jump Kyo or something.

Die- *thinks* Hey, good idea… *runs off*

Don't you love my imaginary versions of Dir En Grey? ^_^ Yeeeaaa… SO! REVIEW!


	2. Does he love me?

Author's Notes- Whee! The last chapter of this thing actually got reviews! REVIEWS I SAY!! I'm incredibly chipper about it.

Die- *hums to self*

You're still here?

Die- Yup.

Any reason in particular?

Die- Nope.

… Ok then. Anyways, since quite a few of the reviews I got requested this next little bit, I figured hey. What the heck. Give the people what they want. Now, you see, the problem is, I knew exactly how this was going to go at one point… but I kinda, er, forgot… ^_^ Eh heh…

Die- *holding up a Kyo plushie* Can I have this? It's cute. ^_^

Huh? ACK! NO! MINE! *snatches it back*

Disclaimer- *sarcastic drone* But of course I own Outlaw Star. Don't you see my signature just covering the credits of each and every episode? Right. 

Warning- Shonen-Ai/Yaoi between Fred and Gene. Considering this is Fred's point of view, things might be a bit more intense, but not really, considering it's only musings. Hm, you never know. There won't be as much cussing this time at least!

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Gene Starwind. An enigma, a paradox. All right, so most people wouldn't think that. Hell, I used to fall into that category. But now, I'm just not so sure. Strange, really.

Of course I'm in love with him. There's no doubt about that. When did I fall in love? Don't know. How? Don't care. There are some things that you just don't question, that you know you have no right to question. This is, obviously, one of those things. Come on, it's love! You don't act skeptical about something that causes your heart to kick your brain out of the control seat. 

Definitely, my brain can not be working properly. I think I've fallen in love the single straightest man in the universe. Talk about your poor luck. A real shame… I've been trying to turn him around for quite some time now… You know what? I think I might be starting too. Or I'm starting to become delusional. Oh well, either way, I'll end up happy. Well, yes, the latter will involve me in an insane asylum, but hey, if I'm delusional, who cares!

Right. Me turning Gene around to see my point of view. Ha. It sounds laughable, doesn't it? Fred Luo, managing to seduce one of the most well-known womanizers on Sentinel III. Not to mention other places. Very absurd, not even remotely possible. That, my friend, is where you are wrong. 

I doubt I'm hallucinating, I don't seem to be the insane sort. Ok, don't comment on that. I might have to send assassins after you or some-such. So… oh, yes. Me managing to seduce Gene. Hey, I can dream, can't I? And now, I think my dreams are coming true…

I am jumping around quite a bit, aren't I? I should probably stop that… More than likely, yes. Oh well, I probably won't, and there's more than likely nothing I can do about it. Why fight the inevitable? Wait, that word seems to describe Gene's turning me down… maybe it's not as strong a descriptor as I had previously thought. Hm. I'll have to take that into consideration. 

Gene. Yes, let's stay on a pleasant topic, shall we? Of course, I'm sure that to some, he's not a very pleasant topic at all, but I'm not in the category of some now am I? No, I'm just that weird, gay merchant that people give the funny looks. And then I manage to swindle away all their money. HA.

Ok, so that last bit was a lie, I admit. But seriously, since when has being gay affected your merchant skill? Since never, thank you very much. I'm not insanely rich for nothing. It really is rather funny when people come in my office expecting one thing, and then seeing me: the exact opposite. Really, I'm not as bad as people think I am.

But really, when people use the word gay, it's a stereotype. No, I do not want to be a woman. I do not enjoy acting like a woman. I don't have a lisp. None of that. I'm attracted to men, that's about it. Well, right now, one man in particular, but that's not on this subject, now is it?

Hm. I was supposed to be talking about Gene, wasn't I? Not my sexual orientation. Oh dear. Well, I'm not sure what there is to say really… Ha, that's a lie. There's so much to say that I don't even know where to begin. Although, considering, I think I already have. Fine, I don't know how to continue, is that a better way of putting it? Yes, I thought I might be. 

Well, what is it that I love about Gene. There's something. What is it that I love about him… I don't know. His outlook on life? His care-free nature? His drop-dead gorgeous body? Everything? Hey, let's just say that last one. It fits just about right. I can't find a thing that I don't love about Gene… oh, yes. The fact that he's straight. I'm not too fond of that, really… but I have to respect his decisions. Aw, hell with that. I want him love me, damnit. 

Let's stop to think though, shall we? He's not being as cold as he was before. Definitely not. Perhaps… by some wild twist of fate, things are starting to somehow turn around? The die has been cast by a different hand? Maybe. Maybe my love is not in vain. Oh, if only I knew that were true… If only I had more than mere speculations. 

Yes, speculations. I have a fear that that is all they are… Let's pretend they're fact, hm? Yes, that sounds like fun. Let's do that. All right, now we can examine the "facts". Yes indeed, I really do enjoy this. 

All right, "fact" number one. Gene keeps coming back to see me. Now, the cynical explanation of this would be that he simply needs the money and parts. The positive explanation, however… maybe he actually likes my company? Is it an excuse to see me, perhaps? Maybe the cynical one makes a bit more sense… let's move on. 

"Fact" number 2. He hasn't minded me flirting with him lately. Not at all, it seems. He doesn't even mind me hugging him. He used to go tense until I let him go, but now I find him softening in my grip, quite literally. Melting against me, if you will. Once I could have sworn he was leaning against me even. And then there was that one time… Was it just my imagination, or were his hands not at his sides, but rather, a bit closer to me? That gave me good dreams for a month. Give or a take a few… heh. 

I say we dwell on that fact for a while… yes, I believe it actually is a fact… unless my nervous system has now turned against me as well. Let's hope that's not true, I might need it in the near future. Hm… I often wonder what would happen if I simply jumped him the next time he walked into my office, didn't take no for an answer. 

No, I couldn't take him against his will… I love for him, not lust after him. Ok, so I do that too, but the love kind of over-rules the lust factor. Maybe it's a good thing… yes, I think it is. Love is always best… unrequited love? Well, yes, it does suck, but hey…

Here's a startling question. What if I were to jump him, and he didn't resist? What if he submitted to me, whispering softly that it had all been a façade and he loved me as dearly as I love him, and then 'Oh God Fred, just take me…' Whoops, think I slipped into one of those dreams there… heh. If you couldn't tell, it was a very good dream. Now, what if that dream… somehow, managed to become a reality?

Yes, I think that's my wish for the future now. Hell, that was always my wish for the future… But now I have an entire scenario planned out. Now, if only it were to happen… Hm. Is that too much to hope for, really? Is fairness too much to dream about? Yes, I know life isn't fair, but does this have to be one of those un-fair aspects? Haven't I had enough un-fair-ness? Where's the karma in all of this? It should be swinging in for a visit right about now, hopefully in the form of a certain red-haired pilot.

If only. 

A dream, yes, only a dream. No, not only. I have to be positive, don't I? Pretend I believe that, for just one moment, fairy tale romances might actually exist? No, wait, scratch that. Fairy tale romances never involve two men, do they? A fairy tale romance would involve Gene rescuing some princess, and, after knowing her for an absurdly short time, falling in love with her, contrary to all possible reason. Hm, fairy tales are loads of crap, now that I think about it. Maybe that isn't a thing to hope for. 

Ok, perhaps… yes, I'll just wish for my dream to come true. It doesn't even have to be the exact replica, just something along those lines. Yes, that's my wish. Maybe I'll stumble across a genie sometime in the near future. Not bloody likely. 

But really… it can't be that unlikely. Gene loving me back, I mean. Of course the genie thing is absurd. Come on, I was joking. Be serious. My god, if I had to be serious all the time, I think I'd be a sobbing heap right about now. But… There's always my "facts"… What if they really are?

Everyone knows Fred Luo loves Gene Starwind. What if the feeling is mutual…?

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Author's Notes- Hm, so what do you think? Am I a better Fred than I am a Gene? Hmmm… we should have an entire debate about that. @_@

Die- We who?

… Really, why are you still here?

Die- Because Yami asked me to fill in for him.

Why, pray?

Die- He said something about being busy.

… -_-; Oy. But really, remember what I said last chapter? I might get sued if I use real people in my a/n, this could all be very bad bombin…

Kyo- BWAH.

Oh great. Now there's two of them.

Die- Oi, Kyo-chan! *glomps* ^_^

Kyo- Bwah? Die, what are you doing?

*stares at her fingers in disbelief* WHAT IS POSSESING YOU?! (Review, if you would be so kind. I'll just keep trying to figure out how Dir En Grey members get into my a/n.)


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